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Mysterious Kotah

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THATS WHY THEY CALL ME KOTAH CRUZ....IM BACK [Jun. 23rd, 2010|04:02 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |crazyTWISTED]
[the Music in my ears |Five Finger Death Punch]

My life has evolved in many different ways. First and foremost, it has been years since i've typed an entry on here. However i don't lack detail. & here we go...

I'm now 20 years young, not old. 100 is old. lol.
Fresh off the block, Single.
yes believe it because there is nothing greater than the truth

i dated [call it what u will] this girl Jessica Melton for 3 1/2 years, off and on i should say. We've broke up 3 times in 3 years. too many 3's. James set me up with her back in nov.2006, not shortly after we met each other we were both all over each other. I'll admit, it wasn't love at first site, more like sex at first site. i figured it was just a one night stand, apparently she and i weren't thinking the same.
She called me the next day to see if i wanted to get with her. I hesitated slightly. What now?? But being rational for about 20 mins i eventually said yes later that night. 11/12/2006 - 5/18/2010
With occasional break ups.

may2008 by me
november2009 by me
eventually may2010 by her

i was not saint in our relationship but i was young.restless.insecure.stupid.naive.egotistical.
alot of mixed emotions. We even got engaged when we were 18. that lasted 6 months. idk i was all up and down about her and me. I couldn't grip what i had, took her for granted, cheated. that old ball and chain.
Anyway...this last time we split really broke me. fucked me up.
She went back to her ex boyfriend James 'Mitch' Hatch. They previously had a thing goin on b4 she met me, they split then she dated black Mitch, his best friend, then broke up with him for me...
I knew she was bi when i entered our relationship, but she turned "Gay" a month after we hooked up.
Apparently she never got over guys. So that was one giant lie, just probably cradling more lies underneath it. Just like her i dont know what to believe anymore. I don't even know who she is anymore.
Everything was so complex about a month ago. all hell broke loose within me and i didnt know where to turn. i was fuckin lost beyond matters of belief. Afterwards, i'm no longer friends with her.
I cannot keep having this repeat itself. hannah.brittany.jessica. [bi-gay-bi-straight?]
Then i started finding things out. they hooked back up may 11, a week b4 we split. Then more lies emerged. June 14th she left for Florida with him...but she told me she was going down to Texas with her sister Cori. I know there are a shit ton of more lies waiting to surface to my knowledge. I will just shake it off.

I have moved on from her, although i still love her, i know she was never good for me and I now breathe! I'm a new woman. Juss doin me, livin life, tryna get by with each counting of the blessings i have. I'm optimistic about my future. I know what i want to do with my life, where i want to go as far as having kids and getting married. That old fashioned American Dream.

Kayla helped me a lot with dealing with my out of control emotions. I am ever grateful to her. She has always been there for me ever since we were kidz. 7 great years of friendship. We however did put this big long gap in between us probably our junior/senior year of high school. I had already moved back to Choctaw after 8th grade at LMS. graduated a lion that year, pretty cool to me. anyways, we spaced out from each other. occasionally we'd exchange conversation online. But never saw each other. Then we gradually started to cut that gap. inch by inch we snipped away at the line that seperated. Now we are, how would u say, improved?
I'm closer to her than i have ever been. Loving what we have, curious about whats in store.

Cloud 9 still hits me good. how can i give God's gift to man up??
Lovin my best friends. They keep me stable.sane.gifted.lifted.happy.
Got my baby Nephew Carlito Cruz Tapia. currently 1 year 8 months. 2 years Oct 25th.
Imma stay positive on me. Keep in shape.

neva gets oold.

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so the latest [Sep. 14th, 2006|07:24 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |C-Town]
[Mood Swing for today |blankblank]
[the Music in my ears |My Self Made Burnt cDs]

so brittany broke up with after 10-months and 7-dayz. im pretty heartbroken but i'll cry for another solid 3 weeks.
3 weeks is my deadline my counselor told me
only 3 weeks to be hardcore depressed as i am then I need to stop.

so lets give that a try. i wish i was back with her. but i'll always feel that way.

anyways tomorrow night im gonna go over my my newly made friends house! her name is Katherine.
she's so cool. oh and bi-sexual. lol
but dont worry im not gonna do anything with her. gosh. im not ready to have sex with others yet.
and i dont think i ever will be for a long time.

anyways she said theres gonna be alcohol and some Smoke!!
im def there. i wanna go out my friday night! hells bells yes.

im glad i met new peeps from harrah, and jones.
i made some new buddies.

and CHRISTA has vo-tech too. she's taking busines..
im really starting to like her alot. but i've liked her since i saw her and worked with her at sonic.
she's so sexy and just gorgeous. i keep telling james how attractive she is to me and everything. she's really a sweet girl. im so drawn to her.
she's helping me and telling me how to cope with brittany. and i love the sympathy from her.
she calls me sweet thang lol. and sweetness.

its crazy!! she commented me and ( i know she prolly jk but) said "If I were a lesbian, I'd so do you!!"

then today at break i was talking to her then brittany wanted to sit down so we did. then out of the corner of my eye i saw her coming over towards me, i looked up at her and she goes "I forgot something" then hugged me from the side and gave me a kiss on the cheek!! omg i was like thanks!! and i was overwhelmed with feelings.

i go over there and went james did u see that? and he went hell yeah girl i told her to do it! oh james. =) u know me so well. I whispered in his ear trying to conceal the excitement.. "THANKS!!!!!!!" and he smiled and me. i love muh gay boy. he's so helpful.
so anyways i got a kiss on my cheek. i was like im not gonna wash this side of my face..ever!! im sprung.

and im like crushing so badly on her. but as always leave it to kotah to crush hard on a straight girl. fucking crazy
oh well

maybe this crush is to help me get over Brittany.

i love you girls and guys. <3333

|< () T /\ }{
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Okay so today fucking sucks [Aug. 24th, 2006|08:04 am]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |alone at the moment]
[Mood Swing for today |pissed offpissed off]
[the Music in my ears |anything depressing]

Okay so im basically pissed off this morning.
Last night I bought Brittany a blanket at Kohl’s
A dozen red roses, and made her a card that’s titled Just Because
Well I get up, anxious to see her at school,
All ready, make-up, hair, clothes, school work, and her present. Its all ready.
Well I get a call from Brittany right when I was about to walk out the door and she says to me…

“I cant come to school because I’m sick. I’ve been throwing up since last night and it hasn’t stopped. I think it’s something I had eaten.
I didn’t feel good after school, I had a bad headache at the mall so I took some aspirin for it but it didn’t get better and then last night we had gotten Burger King but I didn’t feel like eating it. Then I had this really bad headache. I might come in to school tomorrow but it all just depends on how I feel…”

And so I got pissed off and said whatever then hung up. I’m just pissed to no other because how in the hell can a person throw up so much, just over something they had ate that was bad. Come on now. Its not food poisoning. With that you get abdominal cramps, and you fell nauseated a lot. There’s no headache involved in the symptoms.
So I don’t know if she’s lying to me just so she and dannie can spend the WHOLE day together or if she’s serious about this.

Either way I didn’t go to school. I’m only missing two classes anyways. And I’m going to Vo-Tech at 12 cuz I don’t want to miss anything valuable to my learning experience.
I hope she has fun being sick.
If in fact she is sick.

Whatever to it all.
I can’t believe anything she tells me anymore.
I wish I could. I mean it just looks bad on her when she’s saying she’s sick and dannie is there and will be there until 7 tonight. Then I try to say I’ll come over even if he’s there just so I could take care of her and then she immediately says no my mom said no. she didn’t even say I’ll try to ask her, like she always does but oh well.

My day is already ruined.
Ps: I think Wendy likes Dannie more than me.
I think she would rather see Brittany marry Dannie and not me.
I mean I know their really close and everything but I’ve known Wendy for almost a year. It’ll be 2 years for dannie but he wasn’t here like 2/3’s of the 2nd year, just in Feb. and now. I don’t give a shit anyways.
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I know that look in her eyes [Jul. 4th, 2006|02:07 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |my hott box]
[Mood Swing for today |hopefulhopeful]
[the Music in my ears |over my head ~ the fray]

yesterday was our 8 months together.

its going by so fast it feels like we were at quail springs mall dropping pennies on peoples heads. we only knew each other about a month and half then.

she and I made love last night.
it was the most thrilling experience i have ever felt.
i love that look in her beautiful blue eyes as i'm on top of her going in and out.
there's nothing like looking into her eyes.
right when she grabs ahold of me before she sets off into her first orgasm of the night, it send chills up and down my spine and i feel so happy right there on top of her, sweating to death and out of breath.

i just can explain what it feels like when she breathes heavily on my neck, moans so loudly that i have to whisper to be quiet to her. or when she says my name.
thats when i know i am pleasing her to the fullest.
pleasing her the way she is supposed to be pleased.

giving her pleasure gives me pleasure.
and i could do that all the time. i live to make her feel good
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I really miss her hair in my face.. [Jun. 24th, 2006|09:02 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |in another world]
[Mood Swing for today |worriedworried]
[the Music in my ears |Anything]

can't I do enough? shouldn't i be able to make her feel like the most beautiful girl in this whole entire world.
I was supposed to be. It's like I am pouring my heart out to her, only to just watch it fall to the ground.
I don't know. Its like she wants somebody to bash her constantly and tell her she's ugly and everything else that can tear her apart inside.
I can't stand to see her in so much pain. What should I do? What CAN i do...//
i feel so unable to help. she's my girlfriend. She can shine so much better colors then this. I know she can. She's just extremely weak. all the bad things seem to crush her. make her weak. too weak to move.
she's my girl. I only want the best for her. I tell her she's beautiful everyday. Sexy even...
and it goes down the drain. She told me she doesn't want to hear that. She doesn't know what she wants to hear. how could she not know. I'm standing right beside her. right in front of her. saying all the right things and its all shit to her.
if u have anything that u can help me with then help me. say anything to make me feel better.
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some kind of random update.. [Jun. 3rd, 2006|01:25 am]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |a home in del-city.]
[Mood Swing for today |dorkydorky]
[the Music in my ears |Secret ~ the Veronicas]

well to a suprise, i now know that jeannie lives in San Fran. thats pretty awesome. I think sometime i will be able to visit and such. i'm so ready to become familiar again with the people i once called my 2nd family.
how much i miss them all. i think about them all the time and how much we all fell apart and drifted away.
it saddens me a lot. but also enlightens me with the fact that i shall once again see them.

i hope they know just how much i miss them.

on another topic
i have summer school. i start on monday.
its only for 15 days from 8-12. so i can do it
Geometry sucks ass but i can do it i think. lol
i'm about to get a job and make some money. become an actual teenager. i'm sick of lounging around my house or brittany's house day by day.

damn its late. =)
i wish i could turn britt into a night owl as i've always been.
but i can't. hopefully someday though.
i hope u enjoyed my actual update upon things.
i usually always seem to go into this big detail about my deepest thoughts and rough times.

<3 kotah
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frustrated on all terms and angles [May. 28th, 2006|10:39 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |stressedstressed]
[the Music in my ears |jack johnson]

so she doesn't talk to me about anything/ what the hell am i doing wrong?

she writes something down right in front of me
and expects me not to ask about it. then i get to wondering what it is that she's writing about. is it about me...could it be bad? something worse. i get to wondering about the worst case scenarios. dannie...
i'm scared she'll see a girl isn't what she wants..and she'll fall in love with him all over again.

If anybody were to ask me what would be my worst fear// it just happens to be my most hidden fear as well:

losing the one i love to him. a man. boy. male.

the first incident was with Melody. she went with nathan...and to Joe.
my second was with Hannah.
what a coincidence. i am about to say im sorry. ask her to take me back. and i'm too late for that.
she has a boyfriend. Justin.
it wasn't his fault. it was mine.

i can't handle another "maledom" incident.

she doesnt tell me whats bothering her.
and i get to wonderning about the worst things that i could ever wonder. My worst fears then, come alive full throttle.

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BreakFast [May. 21st, 2006|03:01 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Current Location |my own mind]
[Mood Swing for today |deviousi feel like annoying people!]
[the Music in my ears |Landing in London]

What did you have for breakfast today?
What did you have for breakfast today?:freakin apple jacks
Was it a satisfying start?:yeah i guess so
Did it give you enough energy to last until lunchtime?:no lol
Breakfast history/favourites
Do you ever have cereal?:like all the time
What milk do you have with cereal?:usually whole milk but i prefer soy if it were my choice
Your top three cereals...:Waffle Crisp, Apple Jacks, Raisen Bran
A creative use for cereal...:on top of ice cream
Most evil cereal?:cherrios
Most disgusting cereal?:kix
How about toast?:freaking butter me up
Which is your favourite bread for toast?:Wheat or a big ole loaf
Butter, marg, neither or something else?:butter
Sweet or savoury toast toppings?:cant really decide
Your top three toast toppings?:butter, cimonim, sugar
What would you put on someones toast if you really disliked them?:butter, tons of pepper, and my creamed underwear
Did the toast fall dry or sticky side up last time you dropped some?:what the hell lol
If you drop toast do you pick it up and eat it anyway?:if my creamed underwear wasnt on the floor
What breakfast makes you feel better if you are ill?:freaking funnel cakes
Favourite all time breakfast ever?:its a Jimmy's Egg
Breakfast that should exist but doesn't...yet:chicken fried steak
Breakfast you would make for your lover:banana pancakes w/ a rose, some AJ, hashbrowns, scrambled eggs, and toast
Breakfast you would make for your boss:cantalope, strawberries, some toast and juice
Breakfast you would make for your pet:she already chewed a hole through my creamed underwear
Breakfast you would make for Slash from GnR:pussy
Breakfast you would make for a hairdresser:toast w/ my hair
Breakfast you would make for Dot Cotton:have no idea what your talking about
Do you ever ask people what they've had for breakfast?:not lately no
Take this survey | Find more surveys
You've been totally Bzoink*d
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Wutz up...? not a lot [Feb. 22nd, 2006|04:06 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |contemplativecontemplative]
[the Music in my ears |Wutz on my Ipod]

Well i hardly ever use LJ anymore. its pretty sad actually.
i use Myspace and Xanga alot.

my xanga name is sexxkitten16. bleh..

anyways, schools okay. but i think im just really lazy and need to kick it in gear a few notches.

well.. i guess thats all. love you guys (who do read my pointless nonsense journal)

Ps: i hope the suicide girl (Vanessa) that i admire so much acknowledges me. that'd really make my day. Plus the fact that she lives in Albuquerque New Mexico some of the time is awesome. =)
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2006|12:46 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |highhigh]
[the Music in my ears |There It Go ~ Juelz Santana]

im about to get an ipod.
sweet ass sweet lol

Its like $250 and i have $320 so that works out. remember when i would post onto here about how much money i got in my recent check over the summer? well yeah i had $1000 dollars completely saved but i ended up spending most of it and i ended up with $320 left over lol.

the good thing is that i dont need a car to buy
my brother is fixing his up and letting me drive it now. I'll be getting my license in 3 months.
damn i never thought that i would ever say that. Only 3 damn months. that rocks my bed back and forth. I was like damn i wish sweet 16 would fucking come already when i was 14 and now my Sweet 16 is here in less than 2 months.

this is going by fast. lol

Linzy and I doing really good. Our one month was yesterday. gah i love her so much. I'm glad we're getting closer now. she's still a little bit on the quiet side but thats totally fine with me. She's so shy. I love that in a girl. It's one of my preferences. being that im totally shy myself. and i still do get really shy around her sometimes. lol.

well this update will soothe you for another couple of months lolz

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sometimes i wish i could sleep all day for a week [Nov. 6th, 2005|06:20 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |aggravatedaggravated]
[the Music in my ears |Play- David Banner Baby!]


im bored...

dont like Lj

dont like

dont like stomach aches

dont like saying dont like lolz

hope this made you laugh
if not thats all peas n carrots

remember I love you ALL

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(no subject) [Oct. 30th, 2005|01:39 am]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |coldcold]
[the Music in my ears |Out of Touch ~ Trapt]

drinking Chocolate Milk


hate it when everyone's Away on AIM

im cold...want SOMEboDy to cuddle with me

and no Kayla, I AM having KAYLA withdrawls... =/

i miss you hon.

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(no subject) [Oct. 26th, 2005|06:35 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |lazylazy]
[the Music in my ears |Frank Sinatra!]


im hungry but my mom wants Spaghetti


i was hoping for a Chinese Restaraunt.


hopefully she'll cook it cuz im feeling like one lazy ass motherfucker!

anyways i'll go now

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(no subject) [Oct. 23rd, 2005|08:47 pm]
Mysterious Kotah
[Mood Swing for today |thankfulthankful]
[the Music in my ears |RYAN CABRERA! lol]

gah i havent even been one day without hannah and already i miss her...

i miss her beautiful hair
her laugh
her angelic smile
i even miss cuddling with her.

those sweet little kisses on the forehead
and maybe 6 or 7 on my cheek.

gah she's always taken care of me...
I'm so lost without her beside me

Its those sweet little things that made me realize that she's the one.
and at only 14 years old...now 15
i found her.

I love her
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